World Domination Don't Come Easy

I can't speak for the rest of you, but after a really hard day slaving in the corporate salt mines, my poor mind - tortured by the bullying bosses and the mad silly deadlines - often turns to thoughts of world domination.

If only, like Scaramanga in the Man With The Golden Gun, I could summon the Board of Directors into a meeting where the chairs would tip them all back into an acid-infested shark pool, I could just walk out and announce to a shocked looking secretary that I had just completed a hostile takeover of the company.

Then, from a secret volcanic island in the Caribbean I could stroke my albino hamster and blackmail George Bush for countless billions with my cunning plan to melt the polar ice-cap .... urr, well, at least I could do if his carbon-led energy policy wasn't kind of looking set to achieve the same goal for free.

The problem though, is where can a demented industrialist like myself buy the island, or the polar ice-cap melting solar sail, or hire those legions of deadly female assassins in orange jump suits with machine guns to make my island look good?

Well, at last here comes a site that'll do the job. It's Villain Supply, an e-commerce presence for evil and frustrated world rulers like myself.

Place your small finger in your mouth and laugh insanely ... this site is for you.

Here's just a small selection of their fine merchandise.

Budget Rail Gun Home Kit

Ready to graduate to the big leagues, but still a little short on the Krugerrands? Evil On A Budget, Inc. presents the Rail Gun home kit. Fire iron pellets at 34% of the speed of light — will destroy airliners, small satellites, and alien saucers.

Kit comes will all parts, accessories, and electromagnets; all you need is a standard Ikea hex wrench. A perfect complement to the Budget Lair with Mini Dome.

Price: US$9,900; lead pellets 4 for a US$1.00

Kryozap 6000 Super Freeze Ray

A few years ago, a young supervillain named Dr. Kryo had a dream: to freeze all of Philadelphia to absolute zero. The poor Doctor was incarcerated before he could realize his dream, but the plans for his Kryozap 6000 Super Freeze Ray have fallen into the hands of Syko-Systems Inc., and now that young dreamer's dream can become a frozen reality.

The Kryozap 6000 emits a Counter-Bernoulli Effect Ray that reduces everything it touches to absolute zero Kelvin (-459.67° Fahrenheit). Easy to aim, easy to use. Makes frozen drinks!

Price: US$12,000,000 each (save 12%)

Zeppelin of Death

Stealth planes? Modern armored attack helicopters? Jets? Missiles? BAH!

There was a time when supervillainy wasn't about flashy hardware, but about sheer evil genius and its application against a timid populace; in other words, style mattered over technology. Those were the days of the evil zeppelin, and Steambender Industries LLC presents the latest in lighter-than-air malevolence: the Z313 Zeppelin of Death.

Armed with a patented Hypergauss Death Beam Cannon and air-to-air flak launchers, the Z313 features virtually flat payload/range curves for military airlift applications, i.e. very large cargo capacity is allied to low fuel consumption and very long endurance.

The length of four 747s, the Z313 can carry 1,000 tonnes of cargo, and features sumptuous onboard accommodations designed with the supervillain in mind.*

It can travel four times as fast as the world's biggest cruise ship at a top speed of 110 knots; and can cross the Atlantic and back without refueling, with a 6,000 plus mile range.

The zeppelin's mylar-coated skin comes in a variety of fashion colors, and can be adorned with the logo of your cabal or evil NGO.

Price: US$50,000,000.

*other modern airships use cheap noncombustible helium, supposedly for safety purposes. The Z313 is filled with good old-fashioned hydrogen; this highly combustible gas can be detonated spectacularly by an obvious and accessible red self-destruct button on the bridge.

With this much hardware on offer, even a frustrated science fiction fan like myself should find it a cinch to establish a firm stranglehold over the planet, plundering the world like a 21st century Napoleon Bonaparte.

The very fine Villain Supply shop is available over at: http://www.villainsupply.com/

Stephen Hunt